kattykryss

Friday number three I feel like crap.

Today I had to go to my dad's work to collect his remaining wages. A whopping 700€. Wow that will keep us going for a week or so.

Tonight was supposed to be a nice night out at stephbro's house. It turned out slightly different. Somehow we got talking about drugs, and someone had the opinion that 'drugs you can smoke aren't really drugs'. Replied to them yeah, do ask my ex-boyfriend. And I went to the loo to cry my eyes out. My ex always told me the same thing, 'I'm not really doing drugs, just smoking', and minutes after that I'd be abused, hit, or the last time, nearly strangled. Yeah, but they aren't really drugs, honest! I think about what happened to me 9 years ago almost every hour of every single day. Not in full detail of course, but somehow I always have my guard up. Probably hard to understand.

I came back from toilets and no one even noticed something was wrong. Either I am really good at hiding a swollen and red face, or... Well yeah.

Of course people are entitled to their opinions, it's a free country. Shame I always need to be there when those things happen tho. Some things I don't really want to hear.

People tell me I should 'forget' about what happened and look towards the future. Will my scars disapear too? Will my permanent nice bruise disapear? And future? I can't see a bloody future. The only things I can see is that my dad will die in a near future due to his alcohol abuse. I see my gran getting admitted to a 'safer' place, and her dieing too. I see my house, the house where I grew up, where my horses where, where one day I had a family, getting sold to complete strangers, who will probably knock it down to the ground to build something else, without taking notice of all the history it has. I see me still being 'disabled' and I see people not understanding why I 'don't look sick'.

Yeah, the futures bright. For someone else.

Me? Depressed? What ever gave you that idea??

I envy people, I really do. Leading their 'normal' lives, not having to deal with any real problems. Having a tantrum when some hairs aren't in the direction you want them to be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to not sleep at all now.

I'm having terrible nightmares lately. Last night, I woke up, and had a panic attack for some reason. Go to dads room, but I can't seem to wake him up. I can't breathe anymore. Then I woke up for real >< Quite scary these kind of dreams :(

Yesterday I got bored and typed in my last name into google. It made me find an email address of an aunt of mine! I sent her a small 'omg how are you' type of email. And woo, today I got a reply! She was glad to hear from me, and she had tried to contact dad a few times, but never got a response. I replied to her saying how things where going (without telling lies) and that dad is in quite some trouble. Told her to contact him but not tell him I've emailed her.

She also invited me over for a reunion. OMG YAY, I have family!

Haven't seen any of my relatives in 3 years, last time I did see them was when my uncle died, so not a fun way to reunite is it...

Hopefully we'll keep in touch more now :)

Saturday was the day after not sleeping...

I got up at 9 am, and went to stables. Melissa asked me how I was doing, I said not good and burst into tears. It relieved a little, which is good I guess.

I set off at 12.15 or somethig to go to work in the Brussels area. It's 1,5 hrs. dive to the worst part of Belgium. I got there in time,did my work (say hi to people about 250 times), but after half an hour my back started to ache, so I had to do the rest of the hours with pain. Fun! I got to go home early (and still get paid for all the hours) because everyone was leaving anyway. I have been stuck in traffic for an hour (drove about 5km in that hour, lol) and finally got home, yay!

Arriving at home, my dad told me that gran had been up to silly things again. She thought she wasn't home, and dad and a nurse tried to keep her there anyway. She ran into the street going HELP HELP, THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME! So nurse walked her up to the driveway of our neigbours and then back. Then she realised where she lived and all was ok again. It might be funny when you think of it. But as of today or tomorrow I'll be handling that alone... Scary!

So yesterday I had a riding lesson again. It went quite well, so I'm happy about it. I helped Melissa clean the stables and started to head home craving for a shower. Then I got a phone call asking to help get the hay in. I was like yeah ok, I'll help for a while. A while turned out to be 4 hours, lol. We got some food afterwards, and I got in at 11.30 pm. Around 12 I was sound asleep.

Am now waiting on a telephone call to find out when dad can be submitted again.

Here I am, it's 4 am and I'm wide awake. For some strange reason there is nobody on MSN (I need American friends or something), there is nothing on TV, absolutely nothing going on.

I like this time of night tho. It's quiet and gives me time to think...

I just got home from a party (well ok I lie, I've been home for quite a while already) and I can't fall asleep. I have to get up early in the morning and work all afternoon, and I'm up for a long drive to work too. Still that won't get my mind to sleep.

I'm scared. Scared for me. Am I selfish to be scared, yes!

My dad is going away on monday (yes I know I wrote this before). I'm scared for what will come. My dad is pretty sick, and I'm scared I'll have to give him up far too soon. I'm scared for what will happen with my gran. I'm just, really, totally, petrified. Most of all I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with it all. Which is okay I know, no one could, but I want to be in control all the time. When this gets taken away from me, I'm terrified.

I'm scared to loose the people I love. There are not much of them, most of them I have lost already. Some walked away, abruptly, others had no choice. My life has been all about loosing. I've lost my parents, my best friends, and I'm sure I will loose much much more. I'm scared to be alone, and most of all, scared to be left alone...

I know, this post won't make sense to most of you (or nearly all of you, with the exeption of one person who probably knows exactly what I'm on about. Yes, I'm talking about you).

Life is scary... Life is mean, can I trade lives with someone please?

Yeah, I still feel bleh!

Today begain weird, and I'm sure it will end that way too...

This morning I couldn't get out of bed, no matter what I tried. So I cancelled riding lesson. At 10 am I was able to wake up. Dad is in a panic cause gran doesn't want to get out of bed (meh, I could empathise with her at the moment) Anyhow she was falling asleep over and over again. Dad went to work, but didn't really like to go as gran was acting that odd.

I went to work too, and when I looked into her window, everything seemed normal. Still I alerted mum about what happened. Around 5pm she txts me saying it's nothing, that the doctor has been there and that everything was alright (yey!), she also txted that dad came home from work and was drunk again, and she asked me to phone her when I stopped working.

So when I stopped working I phoned her: she told me that gran was ok (again), and that doctor said that you just need to be more strict with her, and that she takes advantage of 'sweet' people. (My gran has alzheimers btw) So she told my dad, and he answered that he just couldn't. That everyone was taking advantage of him anyway. So mum told him he should get himself together, quit the drinking (again) and just make something of his life. He replied that they needed to put him away somewhere, so that everyone would be at peace without him...

I decided it was best to go straight to the stables as I didn't want to run into dad too early (and too drunk) so when I came home about an hour ago I found him passed out on his bed...

So all in all, it has been a great day! (not)

I've had a hard few days.

Yesterday I went to the movies, along with my bf, stephbro, and a couple of friends. We where all in a Q to get some soda's. I decided it would be wise to go to toilet before movie started, and I asked bf to please wait for me. When I return, I see nobody. Not bf, not anyone else. I felt like a real idiot :(. Few minutes later I found my stephbro and some friends, but still no bf... So we guess he and his friends already entered the room, and go in. We find no one. Few mins after bf and his friends enter too. I was quite pissed that he just left me stood there without anyone, while I ASKED not to leave. So I had a go at him ><. Turns out he was getting some candy and things, so actually he wanted to do good, but I panicked. Been in an insecure mood ever since.

Today was psychologist day again:

We came to the conclusion that I'm WAAAAY to loyal to, well everyone. I'm loyal to my boss, who treats me like some slave, I'm loyal to my father and mother, and they're mostly a pain in my ass. Hell, I'd even be loyal to a random guy in the street if they asked me to be. This is a good quality to have, however in a smaller dose than I've got it. Psych told me that I WILL get hurt (again) if I keep it up. It's just me tho, will be hard to change that...

Secondly I struggle to trust people (no shit?), that's when I become paranoid, and always think out the worst case scenario. I panic over nothing (see alinea 1), and find it immensely hard to express my emotions concerning. I find it easier to talk through text than face-to-face. Some people don't really appreciate this... I guess some people find it hard to understand what my history was, and forget the uncountable times I was let down, betrayed and had my self-confidence sink to sub-zero temperatures.

I know I need to put the past behind me, and I really wish I could. But it's so terribly hard! I'm always thinking ahead, in a bad way. What if my boss fires me tomorrow, what if my bf decides there are more interesting women about and decides to try another (maybe less ill) model, what if, blah.

My mom isn't really helping on the self-confidence thing either. I usually take a bath at gran's every saturday (as we don't have a bath at home and well, I like baths!) My mom enters (every week, give or take) and goes: OMG, you've gained weight!. Every... bloody... single... week. And yeah, I feel great looking afterward, really! Not.

We also spoke about my financial position. Which is, well no-where! I really need help, or another job, or rob a bank, to ever be able to do something for myself and not live on the backs of others. I absolutely HATE not being able to pay for anything myself. I have just enough to pay all my bills, and keep the horse. But when I go out, bf needs to pay. He says he doesn't mind, but I find it extremely annoying that I can't do anything back for him! It's just money, people say, but still...

I really hope someday my mind will come together again and I can trust people like I should be doing right now.

Today I went outside with my horsey for the first time!

I had someone walking next to us, as you can never be cautious enough, but it went well!

Calypso was a bit intimidated by the new surroundings and trees, but handled it like a 'big boy' hehe.

Chuffed ^_^

Yesterday was a day of panic at work. Got a phonecall of a client saying that with their letter, was another letter not for them... I started sweating immediately. Asked the client to bring the letter back. Luckily it was only an email I had printed twice and it didn't contain much information! I can't imagine what would happen if it was an important letter, sent to the wrong person! I'd have 2 problems: 1 would be that the person who the letter was for, never got it, and 2nd that the other client would read confidential information!

Thank God it wasn't that important, or I could go look for another job...

First things first!

A couple of days ago I had another row with fatherdear. We where having dinner, talking about random things. We finish and dad goes to check up on grandmother. I go to the bathroom. When I return i get this: "you can't even turn off the lights when you're finished eating, and you never do anything around here, you're useless". So I ask what I can say to that... I get: "that you're gone, as usual, cause you're never here". I said OK, and slammed the door behind me as I got out. Since then we're on non-speaking terms. Nice and quiet.

On friday we rented a movie. I couldn't be bothered to choose so let the others do that. It was "The Flock". Normally films don't really 'get' me. This one did. It handles about abuse, the images made me think about what happened to me years ago. I drove home fighting not to cry or break down, managed, then crashed when I closed the front door... Slept it off and was fairly ok the day after. Since friday tho I'm having nightmares again, and I wake up in terror, look around, wait for heartbeat to drop, and fall asleep again. Needless to say I'm walking around with huge bags under my eyes.

Two weeks ago I fell of my horse! I was getting on, and wanted to swing my leg over the saddle, when he takes off bucking about like some wild thing. I figure I best let myself fall in the corner, so horse wouldn't hit me. Timing was bad and I smash into a wall, and slide down, cartoon style! I guess it was kind of funny. Anyway I get up, nothing's broken, but I'm in a bit of pain. Shoulder hurts, so does wrist, and leg. I ask someone else to ride horse for a bit (and of course he's good as gold now), and then get on him myself. I walk around for a bit and put him back into his stable. Then I went to the hospital. I had a sprained wrist and shoulder, and a huuuuge bruise on my leg. It's all healed up again now.

After this, I'm a bit scared to ride again, reminding how much it can hurt to fall off didn't help :P But ever since the fall Calypso has been great, so I'm back in the saddle (literally! lol)

My boss is making quite a few mistakes lately. Which is great, cause it means I can point HIM to his mistakes, rather than the other way round!! I like it! I do wonder why he keeps making these silly mistakes tho. Must be old age, heh.

15 weeks according to my LJ... thats quite a long time to be gone.

I have good excuses tho!... Well ok, maybe I don't.

A general update about me:

- I still have fibro, however things are going much better now with the weather being warmer and all, thankfully. I still have the pains ofcourse, but they're much more managable as they where when it was freezing cold.

- I still have the same job, but I'm also working for a hostess-agency. Means I get to greet people at events, say hi and bye, etc... It's quite fun, I get to meet people (beats being in an office all by yourself all day) and it allows me to "go places" I'd never go before.

- I've sold one horse, count of total horses is now 1. I miss her like hell tho, but it wasn't financially possible to keep them both. Hope she's doing fine...

- Other horse has gotten into puberty, he seems to know everything better than me at the moment... (and sometimes he's right,too) Last week he took off (with me on him) for no particular reason at all. Lucky for me someone was about and was able to get hold of him before I got to eat dirt, lol. Put my riding instructor on him, and he did exactly the same. Still don't know what had gotten into him...

- Mum is still the same, still not wanting to accept I'm ill, and that I can't do everything "normal" people can... It's ok, everything is noted and payback will be mine.

- Dad is still the same too, he was admitted into rehab, was clean for er... 2 weeks, then got drinking again... It's ok, thats noted too, and payback will be mine aswell.

- I'm now into therapy for fibro: It's a pain clinic, where psychiatrists, doctors and physiotherapists work together to make life more managable for the patient. I suppose they're trying their best to help me. The psych is fun tho, he actually told me that my story was "one of the worst ones " he ever heard. He was amazed at what I've been through at my age, and is confident "there is still hope", lol. Bless him.

- I'm now actively helping at the stables where my horse is at, every morning I drive over there to help Heidi and Melissa out. I needed to be more physically active and this is the ideal way to be so: I walk horses to their paddocks, muck out stables, brush the hallways, and take care of the riding school horseys. I love every minute of it and it helps me get out of bed in the morning.

- Due to selling one horse, and doing a bit more work, I'm now financially a bit more stable. I was even able to put away some savings! It's been years since I last had any money on my savings account. I'm quite happy that I do tbh.

And break a rib...

To 'normal' people this might sound strange, to people that know me it's perfectly normal! I was at work, with a sniffle, I sneeze, and something goes *crack*, I went WHAAAARGL.

Been to docs in the evening, got a shot of painkillers which got me through the night. Been to hospital this morning, where I had pics taken. The rib is not actually broken, but the ligaments are bust, which is probably worse than a broken rib anyway.

I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow, hopefully he'll be able to give me some relief. At the moment I've taken 5 different pills (no worries they're on prescription) and this should get me through the night again. On the list are:

- muscle relaxer
- anti-infection pills
- severly strong painkiller
- the pills I take for my fibromyalgia
- a sleeping pill

If this doesn't do the trick, I don't know what will!

I've had a cold a few weeks ago, which got me a ribcage infection, which meant I couldn't ride horse. I was feeling better and started riding again wednesday... now I've got this, I probably won't ride for at least 4 weeks *sigh*

I'm also trying to change jobs, I want to work out a way to earn money working with horses rather than with lawyers... horses tend to be more gratefull :P

I must apologise for the gap in updates, but to be honest I haven't been doing very special things lately to be able to write something...

This week was quite okay. Monday and Tuesday I was still tired of the hard work I've put into the show jumping. Monday I went to the docs, we made an appointment with a pain clinic to see if they can help with the Fibromyalgia. On wednesday I went to the riding school just to chat. Made some arrangements for the big dance thing on friday. Apparently I was the designated driver. Not very hard for me as I can't drink anyway. Thursday was calm.

Then on friday, day of the dance. I had to rush home from work, then give riding lessons to Jolien, then rush home again, change, and meet up with Frank and Barbara. The dance itself was ok, we had fun Yesterday I ordered a new mattress! It arrives next weeks monday (yay). I also bought a new pillow and find I sleep better already. Then I went to a showjumping with Frank and Barbara, was good too, but quite cold, was dead tired when I got home. Today we went for a walk in the forest with about 15 people on horseback. It was a great experience even though it was quite cold. But I weaponned myself with 3 sweaters, 2 pairs of socks and a great jacket. We had a walk of about 2 hours, then had a nice meal and went home.
( Here some pics )

Another year older... Do I feel different? Yes, yes I do.

First of all I'd like to say thanks to everyone who remembered my birthday, It's very much appreciated.

I guess it's been an okay day. I got up fairly early to go to my horses, then I went to the riding school where I was helping out while there was a show jumping.

The people I worked with gave me a bear holding two roses. A very sweet thought of them :) I'm glad they did. Then Marco and Melissa came round, with a nice card and a pressie. Thank God I've met those two. I really believe that they can help me through these times... I also think they know they can.

Having a birthday is always a good reason to go kiss hunting. That's exactly what I did too... Hey, since I'm single, nobody will get jealous :D

Maybe it's not the right time to have a relationship anyway. I feel that I'm changing, learning how to cope with 'the illness' and all that... Maybe I should hold on with relationship things until I really have it sorted out. The problem I have at the moment is that I don't have a lot of self-asteem. Saying that, I nearly have no self-asteem at all. This 'illness' has put a big dent in 'me' as a person. I try not to let it control my life but it does anyway, no matter how hard I keep telling myself not to let it.

I feel like I'm not good enough, that people can find other, better and healthier people to be friends/in a relationship with. Surely that's just how I feel right now, I'll get me back, no worries.

So yeah, the birthday didn't turn out quite as I wanted it to, no worries, that's life.

I'm sure God does everything for a reason, I'm sure God knows what He's doing and why He's doing it. I'm also sure that He'll help me through these times, and that He's helping me right now too. Everything happens for a reason, I just don't know the reason yet!

I am in a bit of a dip at the moment, I look at the amount of pills I have to take almost daily, just to be able to function sort of normally. I look at all the energy it costs me just to stay awake. Then I look at the sleepless nights, the terrible fog days or all the times I've been blamed for things I can't even remember doing... At times like this, I don't feel well. Could you blame me for it?

At this point in life, at 24, I don't know where I'm going in life. Most of my friends are married, and even have children. Most of them own or rent their own place, and are generally doing well. I'm single, living with an alcoholic dad, and earning 600€ a month. Not being able to work more, not able to claim any benefits. The only way to be more financially secure would be to sell my horses. No thanks, I'd rather be miserable with them than miserable without them. They're my form of therapy, THEY are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. They're always happy to see me, and grateful for what I do for them. I wish people where like horses sometimes.

There are so many thoughts going through my head at the moment that this post might not make much sense, also the reason why I probably can't sleep... sigh... I would like sleep.

I saw Jeremy today, who reminded me how lucky I actually am. Jeremy is 22 years old, and suffering from cancer. He has 6 months to live. He's grateful for every day he's got, and he always has a smile ready for anyone! Shame the good people have bad things happening to them first. I do have a lot of respect for Jeremy, it's wonderful to see how he gets through the days knowing that he won't have much longer. Respect to him, I hope he recovers, I really do... If someone out there would grant me one wish, I wouldn't wish for anything for myself,it would be for him to be cured and live his life until he's at least 80!

Oh my, the fibro is flaring up with this cold weather, I feel dead tired, and my hands are aching... Apart from that I'm just fine, lol.

I found out I can apply for a social appartment, think I'll put myself on the waiting list for that... mind you the waiting list is about 2 years long... Think the chance of getting married is bigger than actually getting a social appartment lol!

Horsies moved to their new home, they are feeling just fine there and they know they now can take advantage of me even more... I have to feed them myself now, and when I see their little sad faces I give in and give them more! I'll end up with horses you can roll along ;)

This means that I have to get up every day, go to horses, go to physio, then go to work... It's quite tiring but so far so good. At least I'm now saving some money, which is no luxury.

So life is bobbing along in it's own pace, for now I seem to cope with it all, but I still need some changes so I can truely have some peace.

First of all I'd love to move out, I'm sure that I will one day, but untill then I'll have to make the best of things.

My birthday is up soon... don't know if I should be happy or not :P

I thought that my father understood me. Aparently not.

Here I am, I've got a terrible cold, and a fever. I've worked for 6 (yes that doesn't sound a lot) hours and I am dead tired. Yet my dearest father thinks it's time to shout at me for not doing the laundry? Yes. ofcourse.

I'm not ill, I don't have a chronic illness, I don't work my arse off, I don't have 2 horses to care for, I don't keep the fucking (sorry) house clean... Aparently he's sober for once and notices there aren't any pink elephants flying about.

I don't know what to do anymore... Anyone living in Belgium wanting a flat mate? :P

Oh yes, according to my dad I'll never again live with someone/marry someone. No one wants me, I take advantage of everyone, and when I don't need them anymore I throw them away.

I'm sure he loves me... he has just trouble showing it?

I've had my first osteo appointment today. I now need to make a list of all the things I 'normally' eat, so what I eat for breakfast, lunch, etc. With this information osteoman will make me a new diet, which I need to keep up for 2 years. After that, I 'should' feel better. Well, no harm in trying then!

I need to get me a strict scedule of days and weeks. At the moment I'm running around like a headless chicken, be easier if I get it all planned and stick to it... At least then I know what I'm doing, lol.

I rode again today, it went really well, and I didn't get out of breath (yay) I managed to work the horse in sweat, and not feel tired at all myself, I'm so happy! I didn't ride on tuesday nor yesterday, due to feeling too tired. I'm well happy I managed to do so today.

Oh yeah, according to the ostheo I need to eliminate stress factors from my life... that will be fun...

Bleh.

I moved horses to riding school today, as it was raining old ladies I felt that they would be better indoors.

I'm now looking for a more cheaper solution to the riding school as, to be honest, I can't pay 350€ a month for the entire winter.

I'm glad they're at a place where I decide when I ride tho, and I don't have to wait till other people feel like riding, so I can tag along. I hate depending on people.

The stress of finding a place for my 4-legged friends isn't doing much good for my fibro, nor for my heart. It's skipping beats again, very scary.

I've ridden a lesson today aswell, I had to stop because I couldn't breathe. Oh the joys.

Ahhh so many frustrations, so less time to talk, need to sleep :(

I'll update more in the following days (hopefully with better news)